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A friend of mine has been married for the past 23 years. Her husband is very unfaithful to her, he even tries to beat her and is not performing the roles of a husband e.g refuse to support his family. He is asking for forgiveness yet doing the same thing, what advise will you give to her should she devorce him even though she loves him or endure the hardship. note carefully they are SDA members

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Sunia and Sammy, u kno something? this lady can divorce if she wants to. that is biblical and neither of you can deny that. She can separate if she chooses. Now there are many reasons that couples give for divorcing and none of them are valid in God's eyes. The bible doesnt adress domestic violence. There are very few reasons for divorce or separation where your life is at risk. I believe in the sanctity of marriage and everything it stands for. I have a very simple 'yes' or 'no' question for you both. If you were woman who was being beaten by her husband, or Sung you say you have kids, if your daughter came home one day with a black eye and broken ribs, would you tell her to go back? in fact lets keep it real, she came home to you every other day with a swollen face, black and blue, in fear, in pain, as her father would that be okay? Sammy same question to you. Never mind the specific of Fiona's friend. there are adventist men who use their wives as punch bags. that is a fact. let us not be naive to ask about God divorcing us each time we sin becos the two are very different issues. Close your eyes and picture your beloved daughter, sister, cousin (whoever) beaten into submission is it acceptable? Dont need a scripture or bible study, or egw quote. i just want to know your personal, honest, human opinion. Im not asking what you think they should do about it, im just asking if it would you be ok knowing this was happening to someone you claim to love.
Girl I already asked and I still waiting for an honest answer.....

Guys answer....I want to know ....
I wonder if any women share their view as well?
That is why I said what I did in an ealier post about it being scary because there are women out there who actually believe that they have to stay in that type of marriage because God does not like divorce and they do even separate from the men.

I'm sending you an invitation Naome
thanks cherylann,
consider me joined!
Hi to all..Naomi wondered if any women could share their views too..i mostly agree with the replies of my sisters Cherylann and Naomi..
What i can say is God doesn't desire to see his sons and daughters being molested and abused..
I think that husband has taken that lady for granted because he knows even if he does the same he will be forgiven..this woman had to stand up for her rights and that doesn't mean when she stands up for herself she just let it go like that!!She has authority to that marriage too...
what puzzles me she had put up with him for a long time and if he has not changed am sorry to say he isn't going to change!!So she should just decide once and for all.. separation is better at the moment and then gradually she can divorce because he has been unfaithful to her.and if she's sure she can't live with him anymore..who are we to stop her???..This is her life...all depends on her!!..she has to be confident and wise this time ...With Gods Help am sure she can do it!!.God gives us the freedom to be joyful!!!:-)
Okay Naome and Cherylann, I'm a man and I'm gonna answer.
The thing is that, like i said before I don't tolerate beating and abusing women and my heart detests that.
Women are supposed to be loved, cherished and they are our helpers not donkeys to do this and that.

If it was my sister and she came home with bruises, having been punched, for me as an Adventist man, I'd wait and cool down because if I acted right there and then I might kill that man because of anger!
So after having cooled down, then I'd go and speak to him that's diplomacy.
Now going back to this sister of ours we don't know when the abuse started and how long he has been unfaithful. No one can take that dirt for 23 years!
If she did, then she was really in love. You know when a person is in love they can't realise what's going on.

I personally don't agree with divorce, because it wasn't God's original plan. I agree with working out things and the Lord, yes the Lord we worship can surely change people.
She can separate from the husband for a time or so and seek the Lord praying for the relationship. I mean if we take our feelings in solving cases then we are doomed to fail.

Feelings don't solve cases anywhere on this planet, as a matter of fact because of feelings Adam allowed the fruit from Eve and Eve because of feelings of wanting to be like God and knowing God's thoughts she sinned!

Why do we put God aside in our cases, The bible says is there no God in Israel that we go and consult other gods?
Let's go to the father speak to him as a friend, Inform him Lord i am married to this man, but of late i have realized a strange character please Lord God show me the way, intervene.
The Lord who managed to adjust time for King Hezekiah who brought down the walls of Jericho how much more can he do for us and change an abusive men if we seek him in prayer?

He promised If my people who are called by my name shall humble themselves and seek my face, will I hear from heaven and heal their land. He is capable and more than capable to touch this brother and stop the abuse.

We can't continue to put our feelings ahead esp. in relationships, or else we are gonna have a lot of trouble. She has suffered abuse, yes but has she used the available means of separation and seek the Lord in prayer?

God is not someone who enjoys when his children get hurt, especially in relationships. It's not her life, Life and all the decisions she make might be from above or from somewhere else.

I am sorry to sound so conservative but I don't believe in divorce. I don't think the Lord will blame me if my wife was unfaithful and i forgave her and i refused to divorce her.
I'd show her the love more than it was even before, to tell her that God is love and all those who are in him radiate love.

My Conclusion is, Naome and Cheryl I'd be so hurt if my sister came with bruises, but divorce isn't the option. When you have been with someone that long and you divorce what's the point? I'd go to my Father and ask for answers.
God can change someone, the fact that the lady forgives the man all this time means she loves him, and sooner or later when she is separated the man will realise how good she has been, and if he has understanding he'll definitely go back to the wife and apologize and never to go back in the past again. The Church has a big role to play here.

Jesus was beaten, he was wounded but he still loves us as a matter of fact, we put him back to the cross each and every minute which passes. But If she separates and this man comes to his senses and apologises then he goes through bible class and sometimes even get re-baptized they can live happy again.
If she separates and the man continues his escapades then that's what we call she was with the wrong person all this time, and she is free to divorce, but right now that's not the option.
Let's approach with boldness to the throne of grace and ask for answers. Amen?
well, well well, it was time you got real sammy! thank you for your answer. i only needed the first part. i just really wanted to know how u wud feel abt a loved one being battered. Cos i was beginning to feel that you would expect her to stay in the situation no matter what (though i think u implied it some aspects of ur answer) You say divorce is not the answer but remeber if he has been unfaithful she is within her right. you also say no woman would put up with abuse for 23 years. i suggest you go read some statistics on that. Many women spend a lifetime with abusive men. you also said that she probably stayed with him cos she loved him so much. sammy where do you live? which planet? most women who are abused are toooooooooo scared to leave. I suggest you do some research before you make those untrue statements. God can change even the lepers spots but remeber the leper must want to change. Thanks for your answer, it was a long time coming.
ps, it would take much more than a 'diplomatic' conversation from you. Abuse is learned behaviour and like all habits is hard to break (yes, he can break with the help of God but only if he wants to break the cycle)
It's true, we don't know a lot about this situation but I want to speak to the comments about a women staying in an abusive situation for so many years. When you are in that situation, you are told many things by the abuser, such as, you are only making this up. I am not really abusive to you. This is all in your head. You learn to believe that you are the one in the wrong and that things really aren't as bad as you think they are. You also feel it is somehow your fault and if you could just be a better wife, the abuse would stop. There is a mind game going on and the abused is always the guilty one not the abuser. It is very difficult to break out of that way of thinking and realize what you have really been living with. I could easily see a women, especially an adventist women staying in this situation for that long. Not because she wants to or loves her husband really, but because she believes that she is the bad one and that it is not so bad as she might think. Or She believes that maybe next time she can be a better wife and he won't hit her or get mad. But for some women that next time is the last time and she ends up dead or severly injured. It is a crazy cycle and hard to escape. This is why I said earlier that she needs to go away somewhere safe so she can think more clearly. It is too big of a decision to make while living in the situation.
Hmm... this thread is getting a bit emotional and with it comes responses based on assumption and plain old not reading what has been written. So...

Cherylann, I did not say that she had not been a model wife. You misread.

Next, where did Fiona say that the husband has beaten his wife? She hasn't said that. I even asked for clarification - no repsonse as yet.

Third, Fiona said that they have been married for 23 years. She did not say that he has been beating her, abusing her or being unfaithful to her for 23 years.

As I said before we know way too little about their situation to be able to make any judgemental statements.

I was talking with a client today and the question of hitting one's spouse came up. This young man is from a West Indian background and was brought up by parents who would beat him for the slightest thing. He stated that he has never beaten his own children but, to his shame, he confessed that he had "tumped" his wife. Then he said this, he knew that his parents loved him and that when they beat him they did it out of love for him. He stated that when he hit is wife he also told her after that he loves her (and I believe that he does) and he expressed that if he didn't love her he wouldn't have hit her. Sin can really mess things up in this life!

Now I'm going to throw one more thing into the equation which I know some may not like but I think it has some validity...

I still haven't had clarified what "very unfaithful" means (there are no degress to unfaithfulness, one can't be "slightly unfaithful", for example) but I am going to assume for the sake of the argument that it means he has been unfaithful more than once. If that is the case, what was the wife's response when he asked for forgiveness? Did she forgive him and they continued normal physical relations (assuming that they were having normal physical relations previously)? Or did she refuse to have anything to do with him physically after his transgression?

If the latter were the case and if sex is a temptation that he is struggling with... do you see where I am going? Perhaps a "pretty young thing" comes along and offers him what his wife is denying him and he is too weak to withstand the temptation... and he falls again and has to go back to his wife and once again ask for her forgiveness.

Please understand that I am not offering this scenario as in any way an excuse for his behaviour - he is responsible for his own sin - I just want to point out (again) that none of us, perhaps not even Fiona, knows the exact circumstances surrounding this couple. I suspect that the truth of the matter is nowhere near as simple as it has been stated and because of that I doubt very much that we are in any position to make any definitive statements in regard to this couple.

Last quick point: I don't believe that God ever intended there to be such a thing as divorce. However, as we see a few times in the story of Israel, God sometimes did things for His children (dare I say "bent the rules") because they were a stiff-necked people and refused to be obedient to His way. So, because of the sins of Israel, divorce was allowed for adultery.

(Another example of this is when God made a king over Israel after the people cried that they wanted to be like all the other nations around them who had kings. God told them directly that they would not like the results of having a king but they insisted and God gave them what they wanted. See 1 Samuel chapter 8.)
He tries to beat her, he choke her once, she had to flee, i rescued her and we call the police.
I am suggesting that we pray for her. Let us called her Sis B. God knows who she is


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