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"Victims often have very strong feelings and emotional ties to their abusers. Often the abusers are seemingly overcome with “guilt,” and apologize profusely, proclaiming their love and commitment; thus making it even more difficult to walk away. Sometimes cultural or religious beliefs influence a woman’s decision to stay with their abuser. Victims often stay because of fear—fear for the safety of their children, fear of homelessness, fear of breaking up their homes, and fear for their lives. Sadly, most domestic violence homicides usually occur after a woman has fled—with 30 percent of female homicides taking place at the hands of a husband or boyfriend."


Love Shouldn't Hurt

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I guess thats why it is SO important that we strive to more fully show His image and give His love to EVERYONE we meet. We never know when it may be the smile or hug that breaks the devils hold. That is all I can do to be effectual in this. Personal situations may be able to be helped on a more individual basis but overall and in general we just have to BE that light in the darkness that threatens to drown us all...
Yes. For me it was like that. I grew up with an abusive mother, family dynamic was very dysfunctional. When I married I found someone who I "felt right with" = the way of relating was the same.

Yes, it is very sad; but the life committed to Him will be given light in time in dealing with that part of dysfunctionality. And lots of moral support is needed to break away.

Question is.. What kind of support and how to provide it?

I don't think it is so much "going after men who treat them bad" as so much as it being familiarity. I am not saying it is true for every one but for many who are treated that way will marry a man that is the same way as it is familiar and they now how they are to react etc.

Any way just a thought :)

Good thoughts; from both of you.
Maybe the man represents himself one way when he MEETS the woman and slowly reveals who he really is after the woman is emotionally connected to him.

Don't judge or cast stones!! Pray for all, male or female, who finds themselves in a sad situation!!!!
Not saying that men are perfect but many women drive men to do violence by goading them, verbal abuse, showing no respecct and also by not choosing wisely who they take up with. Many a problem is caused by drink and drugs and always by not being converted in Jesus. Both men and women have no concept of love. They think that sharing their bodies with each other is love. Satan has destroyed the family and only the second coming can bring the healing that is so desperatly needed.

Stuart, you wrote, "...many women drive men to do violence by goading them, verbal abuse, showing no respecct and also by not choosing wisely who they take up with".  No man EVER has the right to hit a woman.  In fact it is a sign of a "coward" when one attempts to "force" control over another adult by physical violence.


The reality is that much of the domestic violence referred to in the article that I posted is happening within families of professed Christians--even within the SDA church. 


The Bible is clear:  


"Thou shalt not kill"--Exodus 20:13


"Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her, that He might sanctify and cleanse her with the washing of water by the word, that He might present her to Himself a glorious church, not having spot or wrinkle or any such thing, but that she should be holy and without blemish. So husbands ought to love their own wives as their own bodies; he who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as the Lord does the church.  For we are members of His body, of His flesh and of His bones. “For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”  This is a great mystery, but I speak concerning Christ and the church. Nevertheless let each one of you in particular so love his own wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband."--Ephesians 5: 25-33


If a man wants to or is going to "lead", he has to lead by example and not by default.    

Thanks Sarah.
I'd like to share with you, and anyone else more information about what abuse is. It took me ALMOST 20 years to figure out what was wrong; I KNEW something was wrong but couldn't figure out what it was. But although the injustice of what I suffered it's tole on me spirit AND BODY, God knows and has his timing for new information for my life (and for that of our children); information came when the time was right. And God did use the stress and personal persecution I suffered to create endurance. And my experiences [from the inside, up-close and personal) has given me the ability to empathize with others who suffer in ignorant silence, and many of them doing what they can, in fact ALL they can, doing their part to do what's right, to make their marriages and relationships work, but finding no relief.

The issue of abuse and the definitions will be many and varied if you go looking for answers; but I'd like to share what made it come clear for me, and maybe it may open the door for you, and others.

First, let me add that I've personally met the woman who opened the door to further understanding for me several years after I'd read her books. In fact, I'd read her books and outlined, re-read and outlined and underlined some more. And EACH book I read was a facet of new insight and gave me new understanding on the issue. Patricia Evans is not a psychology expert but a communications expert. She saw patterns of communications between couples (mainly from women who were the victim; although men also suffer just as badly (and I say even MORE) from women who abuse. Her burden is to share her knowledge, and she encourages others to become advocates and share what they know, passing on knowledge and even write books and get them published. God has used this woman to bless others; and I pray for her salvation.

I hope the link holds as I don't know how else to share this wealth of information that can be life changing and BLESS others lives.

PS: the phone call I'd also used, and the call was free.



For a family counselor in the 21st centruy, what you have said is true. 


For a Christian, it could not be more incorrect.  Love should hurt.


Look at Jesus, the epitime of divine love, the special love of God.  It caused Him to suffer pain that no one on planet earth has ever imagined.  But, becasue of His kind of love, it caused Him to accept that pain for you and me. 


If we have the same kind of love, yes, it will hurt.  I could tell many such stories of people I have attempted to help who, just like the Jews did with Jesus, they fought back, or tried to use my wife and I.  However, we stil kept helping people and some would appreciate it, even many years later.  But, there was always that group which had no appreciation of a better life.


One major problem today is that it is the "in thing" to have been abused.  To have the label of "victim" for some sick minds is a badge of honor.  Unless you can blame someone for abusing you, no matter if it is true or not, you just do not fit in.  Unfortunatly, many many people who claim abuse, are really saying: "I did not get my way and I am mad about it."  This is not abuse, this is the sin problem and the ONLY way to solve that problem is a surrender of the will to God.  And for that kind of a person, that hurts, big time.  For, they consider that to be even further abuse. 


Oh, in no way am I saying that there is no abuse happening.  But not all that masqurades as abuse is in fact really abuse.  Those who really do abuse others are sick too.  The too need the same remedy, coming to know Jesus.


However, when a person is bapiized, they are adopted into a new family.  For them to claim that their father or mother abused them, they are either bringing false charges against their heavenly father, or they have not really accepted the adoption as a child of God.  To continue to blame ones eartly parents is to ignore the sixth commandment.  

It does not say: "Honor your father and mother if they let you have everything you want."  Nor does it say: "Honor your father and mother if they never made any mistakes."  Not even God had success with His first earthly children.  Satan is in there causing all of the problems he can.  When we blame each other and bring dishonor to our parents, we bring even more shame on to ourselves.


No, I did not grow up in a perfect home.  I know as much about abuse as many do.  But, I have chosen to honor my father and mother and not use them as an excuse for all that is wrong with me.  No parent could take that much blame. LOL  Besides, now my father is my Heavenly Father and He has never done anything wrong to me.  So, I do not have anyone to blame for the mess I have made of my life from time to time, except myself and Satan's attacks where I did not allow God to deal with him. 


Many of our departures from God's word has brought us to this sad state.  The Bible say:

   "Folly is bound up in the heart of a child,
        but the rod of discipline drives it far from him." Proverbs 22:15 (ESV)  

    "Do not withhold discipline from a child;
        if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 
    [14] If you strike him with the rod,
        you will save his soul from Sheol." Proverbs 23:13-14 (ESV)  
    "The rod and reproof give wisdom,
        but a child left to himself brings shame to his mother." Proverbs 29:15 (ESV) 

Yet, modern child psychologist and the courts have all kinds of labels for this and they set their wisdom above God's wisdom.  No wonder we are in the state of affairs we are today.  When human wisdom is set above divine wisdom, we have no one to blame except ourselves.


Maranatha :)




Interesting thoughts here.

I was just discussing this only yesterday.  Someone told me, love is crazy, it's insane, it makes you passionate and angry and out of control and all you can think about is that person.

I said, really?  That is what you think love is?

Then tell me, why does love give children contentment and stability, why does the constant love of a parent give a child the foundation for a happy life, why then, does love bring joy and happiness and freedom and fulfillment and contentment and stability to thousands who experience it.

The kind of love that hollywood has portrayed that has become quietly the accepted form brings misery.  Total misery.

Its the kind of love that is hot and cold if it doesnt get its way, its the kind of love that thinks a passionate make up session is love, after verbal abuse, its the kind of love that sends people over the sides of bridges and to the sleeping pill bottle for the last time.

And yet... there are those in our church who can produce quotes from ellen white that will say to stay with an abusive husband and try to win him to the Lord, they will show you that it is your duty to win him over and there are even bible quotes to back that up.  They will tell you that you need to return and if you give your husband his dues (priviledges) he will then be happy, for it is your withholding of your dues that is making him angry. 

I have two scars on my back where my husband bit out my flesh with his own mouth.  I was urinated on and the other things cannot be mentioned.  During this time the Pr of our church withdrew his support and my own Mother left me locked in a house crying and walked away as I was screaming for her to let me out (she had accidentally come to visit at one of the many times I was locked in the house and the phone and my baby was taken away) I was 19 years old.  The cry that women stir men up to these things may be true in a very small percent.  Most of the time, if you look to the Father as God has told us you will see a pattern.

Thanks Sarah, this is a reminder that religion is not the answer to everything.  Christ is.  He says, women obey your husband "in the Lord" and if that is not the case, the obedience is not binding.

However, if you leave, these days, the family law court will make sure your children still see the father, even if he has meddled with them and even if he is in court.

To those who say it is the woman who stirs up the man..... I say, it is inherint sin, human woe and suffering.  Christ is the only one who can control the demons within.



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