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this is such a painful thing i live with as a Christian....


my gay christian buddy and i got a call last week from an old dear friend ( i will call him Billy ) i have known as long as i have known my gay christian buddy whom i live with in the mountains now

almost 26 years now since we met at a bathhouse in Berkley and never left each others side since that moment

Billy have known my Gay Christian Buddy for at least 7 years before he met me

A whole group of them hung out together at Russian River (gay resort in Northern CA) and in SF clubs and SF bars and  SF homes.

party and drinking and sex

all Beautiful, rugged and  upper upper educated, and made good money and of the Ursine Clan

which i fit in perfectly except for the upper upper educated and finances

i was the youngest of the bunch when i came in the whole group

there was a Billy n Greg and Wayne n Bobby and Tony n Mac  and Dr. Rob n Pete and Me and Bubby Bear and two other Jeffs *

one was called Jeffry Girl and one was called Jeffry Boy

we called them that to keep them apart

we called Jeffry Girl cause he thought he was a girl

and we called Jeffry Boy cause he thought he was a boy

early on in my internal homophobia bible spouting clicked in and drove Billy away from me with things that loved to be said here by the nauseous

i have had people behind the scenes ask me how can i be so patient with such anti gay propaganda here

and its really because i am not a saint

u see ....i used to be just like them here


all i had in my pocket was hate and fear and ignorance even about my own kind

i learned it at an early age at church

and applied the hatred to myself and to others

so sad

so wrong and so typical

i lensed the Desire of Ages and the Bible thru the sermons i heard and outwardly spoken at fellowship dinners as a young gay boy

i wonder if i came at Billy with God's love and Non Condemnation towards him and his kin could hear what i have to say

ThanK GOD i learned to lense Everything thru that kind of GOD

(the Real GOD)

i wouldn't be a christian today if i went on for more decades thinking GOD really doesn't like me very much

or like me only on good days

or like only my good parts

things may have been different now .....


cause now billy just buried his Lover last month

and about eight years ago his long time lover, Greg, of 15- 20 years tragically died of AIDS

he is so overwhelmed with grief and loss and now unemployment and too old to get a well paid job when there areso many young whippersnappers educated in the dog eat dog high finance  of SF

i can just cry every time i think of this

and both times Billy  couldn't let me into His own inner  sanctuary to minister because i blew it so many years ago with Hate that i was taught was Love

*names may have been changed to protect the not so innocent

pray for him please

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I am sorry to hear of your loss.

Man flower,

Sin is Sin, we are all born with it. Yours is no different than the ones who talk about you behind your back. The beauty of knowing the Lord is that He loves us all equally, you, me, the next guy, all the same. If we confess our sin, He is there to forgive us our sins. He has given us the Holy Spirit to give us strength to over come.

God laid the sins of us all upon Christ.  He died on the cross, a gay man, a thief, a murderer, dishonest, and carring any other imaginable sin of mankind. That's called "Amazing Grace."


All of us have experiences MFG that GOD uses for His purpose of witnessing love to the unloved. You have a special gift of love, and it was a touching real story of the sort of thing Jesus did on earth too, seek out the lost and rescue them....

God bless your ministry


oh God bless you all for such kindness and compassion

JESUS loves gays so much and i  have not always conveyed that

BTW i have many laments

#u can only give that love if received


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