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I'm 36 and still single. I've spent the majority of my college days studying, working, traveling, and just having a ton of fun. Now, as a small business owner and after going through severe trials and overcoming them, i'm now ready to settle down. I'm Hispanic. 

 

I've dated white women, had several Filipina girlfriends and almost got married to one, and dated a person from Bangladesh. Yes, in 2010, I took a trip to DC after talking 2 years before meeting her.

 

Since I’m an active alumnus of the university that I attended, since their cafeteria rocks, I still eat there. I met a Chinese woman at the Asian bar, we have developed a good bond since I see her there. Here in Atlanta, there isn't that much Chinese people, mostly Korean and Filipino people, my chances of having one is pretty low. I'm from New York but I haven't gone back there in years.

 

I asked the Chinese lady if she can set me up with one and she gladly would assist me. A few days later, she informed me that she has found one and gave my number to a Chinese woman here in my area. So we talk for a week. She is 4 years old than me, has a kid, divorced, limited English but I do loved that she asked intelligent questions. I;ve been super busy with my work but today I was able to meet her for the first time. I do have experience with the Chinese people, especially the differences of dating between our cultures so touching, kissing, is out of the question. Despite, I'm a very affectionate person plus Filipinos are pretty much the same as Hispanics since Spain bestowed their culture for 400 years, I don't mind about controlling myself. 

 

It's a very new experience for me, the date did not went so well. I'm not complaining about the lack of physical contact also she was very timid (which is quite alright because that's expected) but she brought her 11-year-old son with her. She told me that he is afraid to be alone but I did not mind that at all. However, almost throughout the course of the date, she only gave her attention to him. I really felt left out. The Chinese lady from the bar came to sit with us and that was a golden opportunity for to translate the things that I want to her to know. There was a few times that she will look at my face and smile but continue give her attention to her. I know its a little difficult for us to communicate but I was there to spend time and get to know her. Also, The Chinese Lady friend to sit down with us and she asked me if she is pretty, I answered yes, that's the truth!

 

My concern is her son. He is a well-behaved kid but my concern is that her son can be an issue if he continues to come with us in our dates, also if we get married, having him in our honeymoon is a bit odd. I'm seeking advice since I'm serious about her or is this something that I need to avoid?

 

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Replies to This Discussion

What she is doing is how it should be done.  Find and watch the movie "Old Fashioned".  This is how it used to be when our culture was more Christian oriented. Physical contact creates emotional bonds between a man and woman, and to begin to do this before you know if this is to be your life long partner is not wise.

Well, if you go back and read that I wasn’t complaining about the physical contact.

I can't fully relate but my honest opinion is if you don't think you can hit it off with the kid and find him to be an obstacle between you and his mom it's going to be nearly impossible.  I use to be a camp counselor and kids in that age range vie for attention competitively (even respectfully/passive aggressive). To be frank it's a battle you'll likely lose if you don't figure out a way to train the kids wishes to your own.  At least the mom is somewhat letting you know what's your up against. 

My advice if you're serious about the mom would be to find out the kids hobbies and figure out a way to align them with some of your own so you both can enjoy the time you three are together. At 11 I doubt that kids dumb,  if he like's you enough he wont be as competitive when it comes to attention from his mom once he fully understands the purpose of why you are coming around.

They say the way to a man's heart is his stomach.  In your case I would say the way to a single mom's heart is through her kid(s).  You should do your best not to view the kid as an obstacle in that sense if her heart is what you are after.

 It's a package deal my friend you have to accept the whole entire package with the Son.  if physical contact is not a problem for you you should be into the Son as well.

 Eventually if you guys are meant for each other she will make the time for you guys to be alone.  Because if you guys do get married it's not like he's going to go away.

 If you're into her go through  him to get to know her and everything will be okay.

Okay so apparently, i'm getting good advice and love the responses, thank you very much. Something happened today but i'll give an update tomorrow. This has nothing to do with her son but keep me in your prayers. 

Hello my friends. First of all, i want to say thank you so much for your thoughts. However, things did not go so well for me yesterday between me.

I texted her to talk plus I was helping her find a place so she can continue her ESOL classes. It turns out that she wants to be friends with me. It hurt very bad because when we first talked, she told me that she'll be the better one for me and asked if I wanted marriage and have children. I said yes without hesitation. 

Now she told me that she is too old for me. I told her before that i am 36 and she is 40. But here is what I found out. I went back the the cafeteria to talk to my friend. She told me that when she was talking to my date, my date did not want to believe that I'm 36 because I look young. My friend reassured her that I'm a vegetarian so that is the reason why I do not look my age. I don't quite understand that she confirmed with my friend that she wanted to continue the relationship but now she backs out. 

I assured to her that she is very pretty as well.

The thing what I noticed about her and it's something among most Chinese people; she is very timid and apologetic. However, I already knew that she is going to be like that in our first date so I was patient with her plus I kept my hands to myself.

Based on the advice that I received, I was ready to take the advice but in a way, I kept a distance from her son because if I get too attach to him, and things don't go exactly, he is not going to like since he was expecting me to marry his mother and be his dad.

I have a strong feeling that she might have been in an abusive relationship with her ex husband so I think she is still have emotional scars, even though it has been 3 years of her divorce. I'm not going to insult her, be aggressive towards her or have any grudges but i'm going to avoid contact with her. When I told my friend at the cafeteria about what happened, she did not like that happened but again informed about that she did not want to believe that I don't look a 36 year old. The good thing, she'll keep on looking someone for me but in the meantime, i'll continue with my work and continue praying for me. 

Okay so Dale wanted me to find the movie "Old Fashioned but I stumbled upon something else but I will see Old Fashioned if I find. The movie that I found is called "A Courtship" but it's a documentary but it's probably something similar to Dale's suggestion. I finished watching A Courtship so here are my thoughts.

Okay, i'm totally blown away by this "film" so i'm going to be vocal. After watching the first 20 minutes of this film, I was already irritated but I decided to watch the entire documentary. This is about some chick who has never been married, who is a virgin, who moves into a family for 7 years in hoping that she'll find a husband or to be specific, a Christian Godly Husband. She wanted her parents to find her a husband but they do not agree with her so that is the reason why she moves in. She has good intentions since she wants to be the best for him so I admire that. Apparently, she has been talking to some dude probably she met online but brought home to meet her host. Well, they started seeing each other and I thought they'll eventually will get married but after he posted something on his Facebook, it was a deal breaker because of a simple theological difference. At first, he was okay with that and it was not an issue for him but afterwards he did not respond back to her messages. Also, he was not upfront with her, instead he met up with her host to inform him that not agreeing with his theology is the official breakup so my impression of him that he is not a man to stand up to her. It left her devastated. This is the result of putting extreme religion into a relationship instead of putting Christ in the center of the relationship. Religion and excessive rules are not going to save anyone.
 
I hate to break this but there are always going to be difference of opinions and ideas within a marriage. If you cannot learn to respect each other, there is no point to be married. A bit off topic but the problem with some of you women is just because I support President Donald Trump, you automatically don't want to be friends with me. Look, I don't even care less if you support Clinton or Sanders because I'm willing to respect you.
Don't be brainwashed!
 
So, I did not like the way she has been treated but several thoughts about her that comes to my mind. She is waaaay to passive. Her mother advised her that she needs to be proactive. I see a problem in most Christians especially people in the Seventh-day Adventist Church, they just pray without doing anything. They just expect God to bring down the showers of blessings without doing any action. Hebrews 11 comes to mind.
I may be guilty of not actively going out and find a woman because of my work.I'm focusing of getting back in my feet but since I do have so much support from my parents and my church family, I'm not going to miss any opportunities.
 
Here is what I believe, I believe in dating with the intentions of marriage. There are some points that I do agree about "courtship" but based on my observations from this documentary which leaves me with a lot of question marks.
 
It's never a good idea to show the person their holy side. When a person gets married, and if they do hide their true selves well you'll get to know the real person after the honeymoon. They display all of the good emotions while hiding their bad side. Never ever believe or pretend that everything is ok while its not.The lack of a solid foundation is a huge problem. People can express to be a radical Christians especially Adventism but when it comes to life problems, people well end up denying Christ like Peter. This is why building foundations prior to marriage is important. Also, the "kiss" She got really emotional that she kissed someone else before she met him. I mean it's not the end of the world plus there is nothing wrong of kissing or touching Also, talk about real things, not just common interests.
 
I believe that she needs to realize that if she truly wants to be married, she needs to gain more life experience, develop more a sense that she can handle life problems (But she is very mature) and find someone that has experienced about life.
 
Throughout, this documentary, there has been a lot of good points but it lacks scripture to support their beliefs.

but there are always going to be difference of opinions and ideas within a marriage

Wile true there comes a point where the law of diminishing returns would render a potential marriage unviable because they are too unequally yoked.

We all know that interfaith marriage is discouraged but there has been many SDA couples do end up

in divorce. 

  • "A bit off topic but the problem with some of you women is just because I support President Donald Trump, you automatically don't want to be friends with me."

One of my best guy friends supported Clinton.  Sometimes we give each other a hard time about our voting choices, but, it's usually in good fun and we're both independents so we never take it personally.  I think a lot of people who act the way you describe do so because they are so party affiliated they end up brainwashed to demonize their opposition and put them into one simple mold they can easily attack.  It's a difficult task but my recommendation would be looking for someone who doesn't rely/expect politicians to solve all their problems even if they vote.   I personally wouldn't marry a die hard democrat or republican... or "church" goer.

  • "So, I did not like the way she has been treated but several thoughts about her that comes to my mind. She is waaaay to passive"

I have a friend who was in a similar situation.  His mate was from a different culture that valued males more than women who for the most part were suppose to do whatever they were told with little to no reward, sometimes abusively.  It took some time, but after he found out why she acted that way he learned to help her feel comfortable enough to express her needs and eventually she began to open up.  

Hey friend. Keep in mind that politics is just one thing but disagreements can occur in just any topic or issue. After seeing the courtship documentary, he does not have enough balls to confront her about the minor theology disagreement that they had and end up hurting her. Again, mutual respect is the key  to a successful relationship. Now, you do have a point, I may be a Trump fanatic but I don't spend time  by going to Trump rallies, going on the street with my Trump/Pence T-shirt and American Flag, because I have my job to worry about. 

As much that I want to celebrate on the streets but i'm still celebrating because i'm contributing what Trump has accomplished. 

Now back to my situation. Although she did open up a little but I can tell that she had lot of fear because most likely she was in an abusive relationship with her ex. If she does not want to believe that I do not look like the age of 36 so i'm assuming she has trust issues. That brings to my next point. She was a sweetheart, she text me good morning or good night and I always let her know when i'm going to work. One time though, I was working well into the night since I was installing a security camera system at an ice cream shop, the job took 2 nights. At first, she told me that she liked that I'm working but after the second day, she got a little upset that I did not respond to her morning text. I did text her that I got home safe but she was asleep by then. What happened was that I over slept since I got home around 1 am in the morning. Somehow that put doubts in her mind. I did not over slept but yeah, she did not like that at all. 

Completely agree about the different aspects.  That's why I threw the "church" goer in there ;).  Just getting excessively wrapped up in superficial things in general is a turnoff to me.

  •  Somehow that put doubts in her mind. I did not over slept but yeah, she did not like that at all.

Yeah, that can be a tough battle in a relationship.  I worked rotating shifts in a 24x7 Operations Center for  7+ years.  It was rough.  Would be nice if everyone had a stint working graveyard shifts just so we all could relate.  Next time send her a photo with network cables wrapped around your neck in the wiring closet with #roughnight need rest... lol.

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