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A friend of mine has been married for the past 23 years. Her husband is very unfaithful to her, he even tries to beat her and is not performing the roles of a husband e.g refuse to support his family. He is asking for forgiveness yet doing the same thing, what advise will you give to her should she devorce him even though she loves him or endure the hardship. note carefully they are SDA members

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What should she do if she is not being supported by him noting they have a sick baby with heart conditions
God gives us grounds for divorce, infedelity
So what if they are SDA members. The bible does give us grounds for divorce, and that is on the grounds of adultery, you said that he has been unfaithful to her, she should divorce him. I don't think that no woman should settle for a man who beats them up much less for someone who is unfaithful to them (or believe in sharing his life with others). And if you say that he keeps asking for forgiveness and still doing the same thing, then he aint ready as yet, he is not serious in making things work out at all. Another suggestion too is that maybe if she doesnt want to make such a drastic move as in a divorce, they could live separately, and have him undergo some kind of counseling, or even have elders of the church agree to give him some advice or have couple talks with him. In addition, the woman herself would be needing some counseling to get her head right, and really know what she's about especially if there are children involved, she need to be strong for the children.

That's what i think, but it really hurts my heart on a serious note to see men beating up on women, that is not the love God designed for married couples, not even for those who are not married as well.
Alright For all those advocating for divorce, this what the Bible says.
Malachi 2:15, 16 "Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are his. And why one? Because he was seeking godly offspring. So quard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith with the wife of your youth. I hate divorce, says the Lord God of Israel, and I hate a man's covering himself with violence as well as his garment, says the Lord Almighty. So guard yourself in your spirit, and do not break faith.

Matthew 19:6 "...Therefore what God, has joined together, let man not separate."

Matthew 19:8 " Jesus replied, "Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning."

Matthew 19:9 "I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marial unfaithfulness, and marries another woman commits adultery."

Mathhew 5:31 "It has been said, Anyone who divorces his wife must give her a cetificate of divorce. But i tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for marital unfaithfulness, causes her to become an adulteress, and anyone who marries the divorced woman commits adultery."

The Greek word used for "marital unfaithfulness" can also mean "all forms of sexual immorality"

The thing is all of us have at one time been sexually immoral!, either by glancing at an adult movie, or having fantasies name it, now if you are married and you had a fantasy with a celeb, high school gf or ob should you go for divorce? That's also marital unfaithfulness!
It's like some people go a step further and they do the act and yet many of us have done the act privately.
The woman caught in adultery in John 8:1-11 Jesus said "If any one of you iis without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her" When Jesus stooped down and wrote on the ground the folks started leaving one by one.

What does that mean?, many of us me inclusive we are guilty of the sin of "Sexual immorality" so before we give this lady a go ahead and divorce this man, let's not base on he has been unfaithful because all of us at one point in time either married or not have been unfaithful.

About the man being abusive, I'd love to point out that's not the reason for divorce either, the only option is to go to the authorities.
In this situation she needs protection against an abusive husband and the law is tough on that, so she should first use the option available go to police in case of abuse.

All sins are the same, either unfaithfulness by doing it with someone else physically or committing mental adultery, but that doesn't give us freedom to sin because we have vows, she vowed for better or worse.

That said, we have to turn to our Father who is Omnipotent, he has answers and that can happen if our sister here seeks the Lord, with God anything is possible.
If it's His will, He can definitely change our brother. She can separate for a time and seek the Lord for answers, He hears us when we call so why not Pray?

If we continue divorcing every now and then, some of us will end up alone, hurt and cursing, because any small mistake will lead to divorce so we need to set a good trend for the young, to always stand in prayer and ask answers from above.
I don't think that there is an advocacy for divorce if you are unhappy in your marriage......I for one am not....I think everyone in this forum are in agreement that marriage is sacred and a covenant between God and man held in the highest order of sacredness to God.

I am a product of an abusive union with my dad being unfaithful and beating my mother...she spoke to the elders, they had conuselling and she forgave him all the time...he has children outside of that union and eventually she left was not good for her and my sister and I were very unhappy and miserable...

Eventually she divorced him cause even though they were separated he still saw her as his wife and was trying 'to be her husband'..because they were still married on paper her thought he still had 'ownership'....she had to divorce him in order for him to realise that it was not going to happen...

As a child in that situation I was very happy when they divorced cause to me it meant my mother was safe. It was very scary for me.

I believe in the santity of marriage but not in giving my life foolishly either.
Cheryl your case is different and that had gone really far, Sorry for what you went through. But things happen in life.

There's always cause for physical abuse and just like my colleagues said, we have one side of the story.
A man to physically abuse his wife has a cause unless he gets home drunk and he starts asking for this and that. Some people are short tempered, but all these are lessons for us not to rush in making decisions.

I do still believe the Lord can fix anything, If it's the will of God that they should separate then that'll be the option.
I don't condone physical abuse, but everything in this world has a cause. If you can read my posts below about the weak excuses for divorce, they have blessed me in a good way in that I'll make sure i treat my partner so good.

I don't believe after marrying and having kids with someone that you can allover a sudden just stop loving them, and an abusive husband has some good days when he'll be sober that's the exact time to speak to him honey why do you beat me?
sorry for your pain. nevertheless the lady is complaining she is fed up. imagine no financial support and she has a sick child.
noting recently his woman came to fight the wife
Common unbiblical reasons (or excuses) for divorce Source here

The following are some common, unscriptural justifications people give for divorce. Feel free to substitute "he" or "she" where appropriate. As you read, ask yourself if you ever say or think any of these things. If you do, ask God for forgiveness and strength to stop.

"I married the wrong person."

Maybe you did marry the "wrong" person. If so, you are not alone. Many of us married someone we should not have, married under poor circumstances or married at the wrong time. But even if you sinned when you married, you cannot fix it by divorcing, for you would be sinning again.

Read the example of David and Bathsheba (2 Samuel 11-12). David had sexual relations with Bathsheba, arranged to have her husband killed and then married her. This was a terrible way to start a marriage and they suffered because of it.

Although David and Bathsheba's marriage started in sin, God did not tell them to divorce. In fact, read Matthew 1:6 and you will see that their son, Solomon, was one of Joseph's ancestors. (Joseph was the husband of Mary, mother of Jesus.) Although we suffer terribly because of our choices (Galatians 6:7-8), God can bring unforeseen blessings out of our sins.

"I love someone else."

I remember one of the first times someone told me he was divorcing because he loved someone else. Jeremy had been active in his church for many years, but he planned to leave his wife and children because he thought he had fallen in love with a woman on the job.

He and his coworker had worked together on a project for several weeks. When it was completed, he took her to a celebration party at a friend's apartment, leaving his wife at home. They drank wine and danced. As Jeremy held her in his arms, he found himself "falling in love."

Many other married men and women have told me of falling in love with someone else, someone they thought really listened and cared. You, too, may have met someone at work, the grocery store or even church who seems more attentive and respectful than your spouse. The Bible gives clear instructions about how to deal with such situations:

* First, do not think about, fantasize or plan how to sin (Romans 13:14). Remember, Jesus said that to divorce and then marry someone else is to commit adultery. Resist the temptation and concentrate your thoughts on what is right and pure (Philippians 4:8).

* Second, avoid tempting situations. Jeremy should have stayed home or taken his wife to the celebration party.

* Third, do not flirt, "innocently" touch others or make comments that could be interpreted as meaning you are available.

* Fourth, be guided by the true love that comes from God, not the "love" that comes from your flesh. If you really love someone, you do not do anything that might cause him or her to sin. If Jeremy really loved his coworker, he would not have attended the party--for her sake as well as his own.

* Fifth, when opportunities for sin present themselves, flee (Genesis 39:6-23; 2 Timothy 2:22). Cut off the relationship. Do not lay the foundation for tragedy.

* Sixth, unite with (or cleave to) your spouse (Genesis 2:24) and build a good marriage.

"I don't love my mate," or, "I've fallen out of love."

The Bible tells husbands to love their wives (Ephesians 5:25) and wives to love their husbands (Titus 2:4). Biblical love is seen primarily in choices, attitudes and actions, not in emotions. True love is based on our promises to God and to each other, not on how we feel at the moment.

Many marriages have been transformed when people discovered they could choose to love. Study 1 Corinthians 13:4-8, a passage that describes true love. You will see that not one verse describes love in the emotional terms you might expect.
"My mate doesn't love me."

It can be crushing to think you are unloved. Yet our love should not depend on being loved. Jesus said:

But I tell you: Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you, that you may be sons of your Father in heaven. He causes his sun to rise on the evil and the good, and sends rain on the righteous and the unrighteous (Matthew 5:44-45).

Since Jesus said to love your enemy, you can be sure he wants you to love your husband or wife, no matter what. Think about Christ's example. He loved those who rejected him.

How can you do this? Only with God's help. Sincerely ask him to help you follow the love instructions in 1 Corinthians 13 and you will see your attitude change. God will bless your obedience to his Word and, as time goes on, you will probably see your mate respond to your love.

"I'm so unhappy. This can't be what God wants."

Most people divorce because they are desperately unhappy. By disobeying God's Word and taking things into their own hands, they think they will find happiness. They pay a huge price. When they disobey God, they turn away from the source of joy--Jesus Christ.

If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete (John 15:11).

If you think God doesn't want you to be miserable, you're right. However, he wants you to seek relief his way, not by sinning. The solution is to turn to the Lord and his Word--to learn how to experience his joy whatever your situation (Philippians 4:4; James 1:2).

"We're incompatible," or, "We have grown apart."

You may think that you and your spouse have incompatible personalities. Or you may not share similar beliefs, values or interests. Perhaps your sex life is unsatisfying. Whatever the frustration, the answer is to learn how to flourish in your situation while working to improve it, not run away.

My wife Skeeter and I have extremely different personalities, talents and interests. During more than three decades of marriage, we have had to accommodate hundreds of differences, large and small. As each of us has sought to learn from the other and to value our differences, we have both gained richer lives.

"I want to develop my ministry."

Harold longingly told me about the ministry he had with single adults before he married. He said that after marrying, he was so distracted by problems with his wife that he didn't have time for his ministry. He was sure God wanted him to divorce and move back into the ministry.

I hope you can see how foolish this argument was. Harold was telling God he planned to disobey him so he could serve him!

"We were not married in God's eyes."

Some rationalize divorce by claiming they are not really married, saying, "All we have is a piece of paper." What a creative solution! Using the same logic, I could disavow any legal contract if I later decided God had not approved of it. My word and the authority of the law would no longer have a hold on me.

This obviously is not the way God looks at things. Examine again the example of David and Bathsheba. There is no question that their marriage was not God's perfect plan, yet God did not have them divorce. Once you marry, you are married.

"He's not saved," or, "She's not a good Christian."
Even if your spouse is not a Christian--or is a lukewarm Christian--God says not to divorce. Instead, he calls on you to pray for your mate, be a great example and win him or her to Christ through your love.

If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him … How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife? (1 Corinthians 7:12-13, 16).

Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives (1 Peter 3:1).

"I don't have peace."

Some justify divorce by saying, "I don't have peace and God called me to peace." They are right when they say God wants them to experience peace. But they are wrong when they think they can get it by disobeying God's commands and seeking peace in their own fashion.

Imagine a harried mother telling her child, "I don't feel peace, so I'm leaving you and getting some nicer children." Or imagine a man in a lifeboat in the middle of the ocean saying, "I'm getting seasick" and jumping out of the boat. Divorcing your spouse to find peace is just as foolish--and just as serious an error in God's eyes.

Don't commit sin to find peace. Instead, seek God's peace in your circumstances. Jesus said:

In me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world (John 16:33).

"She would be happier without me."

Your mate may be unhappy, but don't use this as an excuse to divorce. You are not being noble or loving if you do. You simply are sinning. The noblest thing you can do is obey God. Stay in your marriage and work at making it the best one possible.

"We serve a forgiving God. He will forgive me."

The Bible never encourages us to sin while simultaneously claiming God's forgiveness. You can count on his forgiveness when you genuinely confess your sin, not when you harden your heart and disobey him.

God's Word is full of warnings about professing the name of the Lord while rejecting his commands. Read Malachi 2:13-14 again. God says that in spite of tears, weeping and wailing, he "no longer pays attention to your offerings or accepts them with pleasure from your hands" because of divorce.

"We are living under grace. We serve a God of love. Don't be legalistic."

Jude forcefully refuted this when he wrote that if you "change the grace of our God into a license for immorality," you "deny Jesus Christ our only Sovereign and Lord" (Jude 4). Paul also denounced this argument when he wrote:

What shall we say, then? Shall we go on sinning so that grace may increase? By no means! We died to sin; how can we live in it any longer? (Romans 6:1-2).

When you divorce for non-scriptural reasons, you are actively rebelling against God. Study Hosea 7:13-14, 8:2-3, 9:4 and Amos 5:21 for warnings to those who claim to seek God but choose to sin at the same time.

No one is perfect (1 John 1:8). If we could not ask God's forgiveness, we would be without hope. But don't play games with the Lord by saying you love him while at the same time disobeying him.

"Divorce is no worse than other sins."

This excuse goes right along with "We serve a forgiving God. He will forgive me." People who use this argument often have two points: (1) No sin is worse than other sins and (2) everybody sins from time to time, so what's the big deal?

If you think this way, you open the door to a world of sin, for you excuse sin so easily.

The argument that "divorce is no worse than other sins, so it's okay to divorce," is nonsense. We should look for ways to please God, not excuses to disobey him. Read God's call to holiness in Leviticus 11:44, Romans 12:1, Ephesians 5:4-5 and 1 Thessalonians 4:7. When you choose to sin, you put a distance between God and yourself. That distance grows because you have hardened your heart to his voice.

Further, in some crucial aspects, it's not true that no sin is worse than other sins. Read Malachi 2:13-16 again to see the forcefulness of God's condemnation of divorce. Also read 1 Corinthians 6:13-20 in which Paul highlighted sexual sins because "your body is a temple of the Holy Spirit" (1 Corinthians 6:19).

"He is physically abusive."

There are situations in which you should take action to protect yourself. Physical abuse is one of them. A man cannot begin to understand the emotional harm, not to mention the physical damage, which he inflicts when he abuses his wife. The same is equally true with a physically abusive woman.

It is often wise to separate when physical abuse occurs. The purpose of separating usually should not be to lay the foundation for a divorce, but rather to (1) prevent further violence and (2) provide adequate time for the couple to receive biblical counseling to build a solid marriage. (Are there times when divorce is permissible for physical abuse? This is discussed under "Does God ever allow divorce?" in Part 1 of this online Bible study.)

Other appropriate responses to abuse include talking to your pastor, calling the police or getting a restraining order. It is okay for a Christian to appeal to the civil authorities. Read in Acts 25:11 about the time Saul claimed his rights as a Roman citizen when he was mistreated.

"I committed a sexual sin."

From time to time, I hear someone say, "Since I had an affair, our marriage is over and I'm free to divorce." That's not what the Bible says. If you committed adultery, your spouse is free to divorce you. It doesn't work the other way around.

"He committed "mental adultery."

If your spouse longingly stares, or seems to stare, at someone else, don't say, "He looked at another woman lustfully. According to Matthew 5:27-28, he committed adultery in his heart, so I can divorce him." This would be a misuse of the Scriptures. To use the same line of reasoning, I could take someone to court as a murderer for getting angry with me (Matthew 5:22 and 1 John 3:15). These passages are written to strengthen us against lust and anger, not to justify legal actions.

There are hundreds of additional "Christian" reasons (excuses) for divorce.

The list of reasons people give for divorce is endless. For example: "He's an alcoholic." "She won't make love." "He's mean to my kids." "She smokes." "He's emotionally abusive." "She pushed me away." "I can't trust him." "God doesn't want me in an unhealthy relationship."

If you say such things, apply the same scriptural principles discussed earlier. Although you may face heartbreaking problems, they are not biblical reasons for divorce.

God loves you and will help you in your situation. Learn to "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" (1 Peter 5:7). Trust him and follow his commands; he will help you through your hard times.

There is hope in the Lord

Many people say divorce brings freedom. That is no more true than the serpent's promises to Eve in the Garden of Eden (Genesis 3:1-5). Living according to God's Word provides true freedom--the freedom of a clean conscience, freedom from the tyranny and consequences of sin and freedom to enjoy God's love.

Even if you think you are stuck with a miserable marriage for the rest of your life, take heart. God loves you and wants the best for you. His commands are for your good. As you read the Bible and grow in the Lord, you will discover principles to help you live with satisfaction and joy.
Has anyone realised that he has reneged on his vows to honour, respect, protect, love. now tell me where in there it says...that he can beat the love or the honour? where does it say that he can be unfaithful.....WHERE?????

He is not supporting his family...A husband is the Priest of the home...what is he being? provides for his family and protects them....He is not being a 'husband' in the biblical sense......please read Eph 5:25-33 and explain that to me? Please tell e if he has met that criteria..

Being in that marriage for 23 yrs could mean she was too afraid to get out or just accepted that was her due....maybe she grew up in that kind of situation as well and thought ot believed that that was acceptable.....what does that say for their children?

I guess we will always argue about this...the way how guys are thinking is so amazing...let me ask you a question..what if you were in that situation...your wife was the one cheating and abusing you....i guess you will tell me that you would have grounds for divorce.

This is not an advocacy for divorce..but this kind of abuse has to stop especially in our church as we are supposed to be the examples of Christ to others.
Cheryl I'm speaking from experience gained either by observing or have been told.
I've passed through experiences which are not the same, but still I asked the Lord to intervene and He did.

Beating is bad, very very bad, because ladies are not kids to be spanked. They are supposed to beloved, cherished name it. But if i was her, I'd wait for the time when he is sober and in his best mental capacity and ask him why he does the nasty things. There's more stress and torture in divorce, and lets face like what the previous discussants said we need both versions of the story.

To me an Adventist man to be physically abusive, unfaithful it's something I just found here on this forum. So there's more about the man and his background, but for 23yrs why now? and i suppose the man is in his 50s.
From where i come from Adventist men are humble, religious and loving.
I believe that as we should not be naive and be lead to think for one minute that God is pleased with unfaithfullness in marriage. Even in the Bible there was divorce. In the OT, only men were able to divorce their wives (Deut. 24:1-4). In the NT, women were also apparently able to initiate divorce (Mark 10:12; 1 Cor. 7:13). But, what is a Christian to do if he or she has been divorced? Can he remarry? Should he stay single? Is the Christian guilty of a perpetual sin if he or she divorces?
God wants the Christian to take marriage very seriously. Jesus said, "What therefore God has joined together, let no man separate," (Mark 10:9 -- see also 1 Cor. 7:10-11; Heb. 13:4.).(2) But, because we live in an imperfect world, the Bible speaks about the circumstance of divorce. Let's take a look.

The Biblical Reasons For Divorce

Adultery: Jesus said, "And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife/(husband), except for immorality, and marries another woman/man commits adultery," (Matt. 19:9). The word in Greek for immorality is porneia from which we get the word pornography. Sexual immorality, i.e., adultery, is a grounds for divorce according to Jesus.

I am certainly not going to endure my marriage when the time but enjoy it, free from abuse be it physicially or mentally.


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